Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Not so crap!
Thank you friends! I now dont feel so crap.I am amazed how easy it is to reach out and say HELP and even more amazed at how many made me feel the love and warmth that I was desperatley seeking.Its amazing ,amazing ,amazing and all because of you i dont feel crap anymore! Thank you!
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Crap
I feel like complete and utter crap.I am quite frankly at a loss.I am sick of my current situation and sick of taking it all in my stride.I am sick of holding back anger.I want to shout and scream and yell at the top of my voice.I want to hit someone.I wanna cause pain.Like the pain I feel right now when you know the world is probably a good and kind place somewhere and you are sure that people do the right things and show love care and compassion towards you,but it just aint happening in your world.
I dont want to say everything is okay when it quite clearly isnt. To say that I have an understanding of what I am experiencing right now is a lie but I have just become used to it. Comfortably numb.Underneath it all I am scared and somewhat at a loss.Problems need solving or they continue to remain problems.I am not sure how to solve this one.Maybe I am but I just dont wanna look att he solution right now.
I dont want to say everything is okay when it quite clearly isnt. To say that I have an understanding of what I am experiencing right now is a lie but I have just become used to it. Comfortably numb.Underneath it all I am scared and somewhat at a loss.Problems need solving or they continue to remain problems.I am not sure how to solve this one.Maybe I am but I just dont wanna look att he solution right now.
Friday, May 27, 2005
A year of firsts
Yesterday was a year since my grandmother passed away.I spoke to my mum and she was good.Dad had sent her a box of beautiful flowers.She was tearful,it was a lovely thought.
I am hoping that things get better for my folks now that this first year is over.I have heard its the hardest. My nana was strong and wilful and always there! I miss her,but she is aways with us in spirit and memory.
I am hoping that things get better for my folks now that this first year is over.I have heard its the hardest. My nana was strong and wilful and always there! I miss her,but she is aways with us in spirit and memory.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
What we do for the camera!
"Smile for the camera!" she said as she held the small lense out in front of her to capture the moment.
She felt excited.The anticipation of getting home to view the pictures was her secret joy. Images captured in time.A memory that wouldnt fade ,unlike her mind.
There was always a moment of sadness mixed with the thrill.When she got home she wished she could reach out and touch the soft skin in those pictures.Take up that moment and start a conversation over a beer. Join in the laughter again.Bring back the moment and the feelings..........
There would be more.There were always more.Different faces, different locations, even different countries.
She felt lonely. She picked up the phone to call a friend.No answer.She called another.No answer.
She went back to her pictures.
There was her best friend,smiling sweetly.She took on the pose of Betty boop all too well and she smiled at her friend in the picture.
She remembered once they had sat in a cement tunnel in a kiddies playground smoking and talking about life. She had said she was gnna marry and have a trillion babies. I had said that was never gonna happen to me.I would travel the world.Seek places unknown.Always be a little different and always a little sexy.
She was always the strong one back then.Always stable.Never showing errational emotion.She was the one you could turn too for constancy.I on the other hand was emotional to extreme.I was a tornado whirling into places and leaving behind me devastation. She would pick up the pieces quietly,lovingly.
We started making haunting strange noises in the tunnel that echoed loudly around us . It amused us for a time and then we sat quietly. Our knees were up around our ears .The only way we could squash ourselves into our private cubby hole. It was amazing how we could bend our bodies so effortlessly.Inside there it was our world.We could dream there. We did dream.we dreamt of money and love and comfort.The kind of dream you dream when you know nothing of those things. We didnt know how we would get them,we just dreamt.
My father always said to me "Money doesnt grow on trees you know" , but we didnt care .To us it seemed it did.It would just happen. The future seemed too big for us to contemplate,it would just be tommorow and the next day and then the next and hell why worry..........But dream ? Yes we could dream............
The smell of the grass outside wafted into me.It was late.It was damp and smelt like earth.Our butts were dirty. We could hear people walking down the street on the far sidew of the park.Laughter emerging into our ears.Quiet voices as they walked thier way home. We were different somehow.We were invincible.We would be gone from this place when we were there age. Where would we be???
Her thoughts returned back to where she was. Strange. I couldnt possibly have overlayed the now image with the image of then. The picture had taken her in and made her thoughtful. The two girls were wildly different now .They still loved each other but life had mellowed them. The pursuit of happiness was not wrapped in dollar bills and Mansions, there was comfort of sorts,the kind you get from running your own life and being responsible. Getting to choose your bedtime.Getting to pick your own food .Choosing who to love and who to avoid. Our jobs didnt define us. although they often felt they did but they challenged that idea.Its me that counts.Its how I interact with other and what I give to the world around me that matters. That was a comforting thought. The ability to make choices and change the world around you....
She sat at her computer observing the array of images in front of her,waiting for the next picture to stir her memory.It was just a memory after all.It wasnt the now.She couldnt touch the skin or sip the beer or jump into the clear blue water. She knew though that she could make a choice in the future to surround herself inthose things again.They too would be a memory at another point in time, but at some moment it happened and she had been there.
She felt excited.The anticipation of getting home to view the pictures was her secret joy. Images captured in time.A memory that wouldnt fade ,unlike her mind.
There was always a moment of sadness mixed with the thrill.When she got home she wished she could reach out and touch the soft skin in those pictures.Take up that moment and start a conversation over a beer. Join in the laughter again.Bring back the moment and the feelings..........
There would be more.There were always more.Different faces, different locations, even different countries.
She felt lonely. She picked up the phone to call a friend.No answer.She called another.No answer.
She went back to her pictures.
There was her best friend,smiling sweetly.She took on the pose of Betty boop all too well and she smiled at her friend in the picture.
She remembered once they had sat in a cement tunnel in a kiddies playground smoking and talking about life. She had said she was gnna marry and have a trillion babies. I had said that was never gonna happen to me.I would travel the world.Seek places unknown.Always be a little different and always a little sexy.
She was always the strong one back then.Always stable.Never showing errational emotion.She was the one you could turn too for constancy.I on the other hand was emotional to extreme.I was a tornado whirling into places and leaving behind me devastation. She would pick up the pieces quietly,lovingly.
We started making haunting strange noises in the tunnel that echoed loudly around us . It amused us for a time and then we sat quietly. Our knees were up around our ears .The only way we could squash ourselves into our private cubby hole. It was amazing how we could bend our bodies so effortlessly.Inside there it was our world.We could dream there. We did dream.we dreamt of money and love and comfort.The kind of dream you dream when you know nothing of those things. We didnt know how we would get them,we just dreamt.
My father always said to me "Money doesnt grow on trees you know" , but we didnt care .To us it seemed it did.It would just happen. The future seemed too big for us to contemplate,it would just be tommorow and the next day and then the next and hell why worry..........But dream ? Yes we could dream............
The smell of the grass outside wafted into me.It was late.It was damp and smelt like earth.Our butts were dirty. We could hear people walking down the street on the far sidew of the park.Laughter emerging into our ears.Quiet voices as they walked thier way home. We were different somehow.We were invincible.We would be gone from this place when we were there age. Where would we be???
Her thoughts returned back to where she was. Strange. I couldnt possibly have overlayed the now image with the image of then. The picture had taken her in and made her thoughtful. The two girls were wildly different now .They still loved each other but life had mellowed them. The pursuit of happiness was not wrapped in dollar bills and Mansions, there was comfort of sorts,the kind you get from running your own life and being responsible. Getting to choose your bedtime.Getting to pick your own food .Choosing who to love and who to avoid. Our jobs didnt define us. although they often felt they did but they challenged that idea.Its me that counts.Its how I interact with other and what I give to the world around me that matters. That was a comforting thought. The ability to make choices and change the world around you....
She sat at her computer observing the array of images in front of her,waiting for the next picture to stir her memory.It was just a memory after all.It wasnt the now.She couldnt touch the skin or sip the beer or jump into the clear blue water. She knew though that she could make a choice in the future to surround herself inthose things again.They too would be a memory at another point in time, but at some moment it happened and she had been there.
Tails of maddening love!
Oh I just cant help myself.He is gorgeous and yummy and quite delectable in every way! I had to post somemore pics of the babe! Its a joy to come home to him every day.Its true what they say "A house is not a home without a cat" .
He greets me at the door full of love and better than any "how was your day dear"
He hugs me ,follows me,kisses me,talks to me. Sits with while I am thinking,looks at me lovingly when I feel a little sad. Her loves the people that come into the house.Hes non-judgemental and has love for everyone......well not the hoover,but thats an inanimate object so it doesnt count. So i just wanted to post some more pics by popular demand of those who have already met him and by those that havent!
He greets me at the door full of love and better than any "how was your day dear"
He hugs me ,follows me,kisses me,talks to me. Sits with while I am thinking,looks at me lovingly when I feel a little sad. Her loves the people that come into the house.Hes non-judgemental and has love for everyone......well not the hoover,but thats an inanimate object so it doesnt count. So i just wanted to post some more pics by popular demand of those who have already met him and by those that havent!
Detox part 2
Okay so one of my friends said to me while I was puffing on a cigarette that it seemed my detox was a half-arse attempt.
I agree with her! It was, but it did enable me to cut down on sugar and alcohol. I did indulge in a glass of red wine on monday due to a new arrival in the Paine family but I am glad to say that i lost a kilo in the 3days! The butt is still scarily stalking me but physically I feel a little better. Why do we worry another fiend said?? I guess for me its a control thing.The butt isnt that big but it may have a runaway life of its own! One day I may wake up and find that it doubled or even tripled.This is just my way of making sure that it doesnt do that! There is another factor that fits into this.Quite frankly non of my clothes fit me comfortably anymore.They seem a little tight around the waist and arse.I cant afford to go out and buy a new wardrobe.So its a money saving excersise too!
Wow its amazing how well we can justify our vanity! Asides from the appearance aspect of it all I do feel a little clearer a bit more energetic.I would really like to do this kind of thing every couple of weeks so am going to do some research on how I can do that without spending 2,000 yen on a product!
Watch this space!
I agree with her! It was, but it did enable me to cut down on sugar and alcohol. I did indulge in a glass of red wine on monday due to a new arrival in the Paine family but I am glad to say that i lost a kilo in the 3days! The butt is still scarily stalking me but physically I feel a little better. Why do we worry another fiend said?? I guess for me its a control thing.The butt isnt that big but it may have a runaway life of its own! One day I may wake up and find that it doubled or even tripled.This is just my way of making sure that it doesnt do that! There is another factor that fits into this.Quite frankly non of my clothes fit me comfortably anymore.They seem a little tight around the waist and arse.I cant afford to go out and buy a new wardrobe.So its a money saving excersise too!
Wow its amazing how well we can justify our vanity! Asides from the appearance aspect of it all I do feel a little clearer a bit more energetic.I would really like to do this kind of thing every couple of weeks so am going to do some research on how I can do that without spending 2,000 yen on a product!
Watch this space!
Monday, May 23, 2005
Detox
I have just started my detox for the next 3 days!
Its something I got fromt he U.K called BIO LIGHT.I did it about 9 years ago and it was pretty effective. I guess I am looking for more energy and perhaps a little weight loss.I caught site of my rear in the window yesterday and wondered how it had got so big,and now it keeps following me around.I am hoping the BIO LIGHT will scare it away!
Its something I got fromt he U.K called BIO LIGHT.I did it about 9 years ago and it was pretty effective. I guess I am looking for more energy and perhaps a little weight loss.I caught site of my rear in the window yesterday and wondered how it had got so big,and now it keeps following me around.I am hoping the BIO LIGHT will scare it away!
Monday, May 16, 2005
Under attack
Benji ! Our new family member.He is gorgeous ,loveable affectionate ,courageous,cute and generally a joy.But how can something so small,something so cute be so god damn vicious??? I am covered in tiny little puncture wounds.The object of his attack instinct! I ahve placed toys all around the house for him so that he doesnt get bored and has plenty of outlets for his kitty energy but still he comes back to the bare flesh...........
To catch a dolphin.......
While in the Philippines we decided to get up early and try and see the dolphins.Unfortunately we didnt see them but we did catch a beautiful sunrise and that feel good feeling you have when you see a part of the day that you dont see usually see.I also caught this beautiful image of JJ.
Now heres an incentive to get busy in the kitchen!
Men who do dishes do better in the bedroom
If only men knew what they were missing: Men who do more housework have better sex lives and happier marriages, according to a study by John Gottman, a psychologist who for more than three decades has been researching why relationships succeed or fail. Further research by Gottman suggests that harmony over housework may also yield happier children. His findings reveal that men who do housework frequently have kids who do better socially and academically.
If only men knew what they were missing: Men who do more housework have better sex lives and happier marriages, according to a study by John Gottman, a psychologist who for more than three decades has been researching why relationships succeed or fail. Further research by Gottman suggests that harmony over housework may also yield happier children. His findings reveal that men who do housework frequently have kids who do better socially and academically.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Doshio???
Sometime I need a little pick me up.You know how it goes ,late night ,early start........but whats a gal supposed to do with the array of energy drinks on the shelf hosting a whole list of ingredients I dont understand let alone even contemplate putting in my bod.....hmmmmmmmm...thats a little hypocrytical coming from a smoking ,drinking ,party fiend.
Does anyone out there ............cooey..........heloooo,hellooooo know of an energy drink that doesnt have caffeine,taurine or other wildly hypo drugs????
Does anyone out there ............cooey..........heloooo,hellooooo know of an energy drink that doesnt have caffeine,taurine or other wildly hypo drugs????
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Return ........
A week in the sun does wonders for the soul and makes Tokyo so much more copable...........but feel somewhat unable to get out of holiday mode! ........pure lush! Bring on the Pina Colada
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