Courage

I am in blog block mode.
I am trying to wade past all the emotion to get to the outside.I have done some great things in the last 3 weeks but cant move outside of myself enought o write about them.
It may take some time.
I need courage.Lots of it.I am taking courage out the door with me everyday,wearing the face and getting on.
Some days its good and some days its not.There is no doubt that this is all exactly as it should be.There are no thoughts of return.Its just grieving time.

If someone had died it would be easier, more tangible.

Should I write these thoughts ?? I guess it may be a little more than some people want to read over their cup of tea or end of day wind down,but its a process and I want to record it.
The nature of us all is to desire warmth and love and respect.Its all I want and at the moment I am finding it in many places and not in the bottom of a vodka shot. I guess that takes courage.To stand up and work through each emotion and look at it and put it down again and then maybe pick it up again and take another look.Some of the things I have found so far are not so good to look at.I dont want to pick them up and look at them again.Its precisely those that need to be picked up and scrutinised, pulled apart and put back together again.
Courage is the one thing I am holding on to. Its the courage to break out of the old me and move onnto something new.The courage to take life to its next level.The courage to face the pain of knowing that I loved long ,hard and good and will again.The courage to take responsibility for myself and my choices. The courage to move away from the safety I knew ,no matter how superficial.
Finally the courage to let the world that I dont feel okay now,but I will soon and that I am open to everyone and everything and any insights advice and love they have to give. The courage to reach out.

The weekend!

I know my blog has been sparse on GOOD things to say recently so here is a post with tad of happiness!
This weekend saw me hiking out to mitake and spending the night on top of the mountain drinking Chu-Hi and laughing outside the temple like naughty young children until late and then hiking back down again and spending some good long time in the famous Tsuru Tsuru onsen.Bliss.Pure bliss.There is nothing like a group of good people and some mountain air laced with heavenly scents to raise your spirits!
It was a great weekend. Pictures to come but have a wee computer problemo at the moment and am unable to access!

Thoughts that I need to make solid

the quality you need to cultivate right now beautiful woman is self
respect.it will hold u strong.this alone will help u to make the right
choices and maintain your vision.if others betray you or disrespect you,it
is not a reflection of you but you do not need to stand beside it.move
gracefully and quietly away and meditate not on them but on your own
honour and lite.

Details

Okay I didnt post for a while.I havent really felt like being in front of the computer hashing over all the emotions that are whirling around in my head right now,but a few detils anyways.
The boy and I are breaking up.Its been 4 years.It has been a ride .Its been fun and challenging and sometimes downright heartbreak.
Now we have to part and go our separate ways.Its sad.We share a home and friends and a lifestyle.Things right now are tense. I am tense. I have alot of stuff to sort out.Lots of extra work to do to save for a student life and a lot of goodbyes to say.As well as the one big goodbye to the man. I am grateful to my friends and family for supporting me through this time.I feel a little lost and sometimes a little lonely.
I love my home and hate to see its walls encasing so much pain.Its my refuge right now and along with the cat is keeping me somewhat sane.
I have been reading inspirational text to maintain balance and compassion as well as keep me rooted in non-destructive behaviour. I desperately want my last months in Tokyo to be as simple as possible.
So people thats the details.Endings are sad but they are also new beginnings.

Quick Update

Okay a very quick update with more details to follow.
I will be embarking on a new adventure.
I am leaving Japan.
November
I am going to do a Degree in Acupuncture and chinese medicine.
Lots of emotions too much to write right now and not sure how much of it is appropriate.
I want the last few months in Tokyo to be joyful.