My angel cards tell me that today is a day of readiness......... Okay I am ready! I closed a few deals this week.The final chapter has been written and stamped THE END.
It feels good.
I can move with ease and there is a feeling rising within me. Its difficult to iterate but it feels like grace and freedom are returning to my step.I feel lighter.I am not wading but floating.I am not pushing or pulling but gliding.I am not stuckfast but have a dance in my step.
So for the first time in a long time I do feel ready. I thought about what it meant to be ready and how that was appropriate in my life. At first I thought it was about the move but then I realised it meant a whole menagerie of different things. I am ready to be present in the now.I am ready to reveal.I am ready to open my wings and fly to places I have been hesitant to explore. I am ready to be by myself .I am ready to be with someone. I am ready to be slow and ready to expend energy .I am ready to be a little sad at times and ready to be abundantly happy. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am ready to be with Sarah again!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Back in Town.........
Phew......Im back. I jumped on a plane and then a bus and then a taxi and found myself back at home.Its that easy!
I knew this time though that it would be the last time to do that trip,at least for the next 4 or 5 years!
I have been so caught up in plans of leaving and other rollercoaster events that I didnt realise how much I have become attatched to the bright lights and the hum of the ever churning Tokyo engine. Theres no doubt that its going to be a great move and a wonderful opportunity but there will be a sadness in leaving the throb of a city like Tokyo.
It has been the first place I have settled in since leaving the U.K 6 years ago and is the nearest I have had to home in longer.
Someone asked me on sunday "what will you miss most about Tokyo?" at first I said the trains and then with a little more thought i realised that being a foreigner in Tokyo despite many pitfalls is tremendous. I love existing in a world with a suprise around every corner.I love living in a culture I dont understand. I love that Japanese wont talk about emotion but they will get crazy in a karaoke room and beat you vocal chords down with a belting song. I love the diversity and the colour.I love that I can be in nature and 2 days seems like a week. I will also miss Hanami........the most beautiful of natures gifts to Japan.ahhhhh..........the memories wont leave ..I am rich to have been experienced so many beautiful people places and events in Tokyo........Tokyo has taught me that even though I live in a city where the Yen rules I dont have to run with that. I can have simplicity and happiness without all that ponce!
I will leave Tokyo a stonger ,wiser independant woman. Tokyo and its lessons has given me much,but then again I guess I must remind myself that i have been the master of my ship and will continue to be so.
I knew this time though that it would be the last time to do that trip,at least for the next 4 or 5 years!
I have been so caught up in plans of leaving and other rollercoaster events that I didnt realise how much I have become attatched to the bright lights and the hum of the ever churning Tokyo engine. Theres no doubt that its going to be a great move and a wonderful opportunity but there will be a sadness in leaving the throb of a city like Tokyo.
It has been the first place I have settled in since leaving the U.K 6 years ago and is the nearest I have had to home in longer.
Someone asked me on sunday "what will you miss most about Tokyo?" at first I said the trains and then with a little more thought i realised that being a foreigner in Tokyo despite many pitfalls is tremendous. I love existing in a world with a suprise around every corner.I love living in a culture I dont understand. I love that Japanese wont talk about emotion but they will get crazy in a karaoke room and beat you vocal chords down with a belting song. I love the diversity and the colour.I love that I can be in nature and 2 days seems like a week. I will also miss Hanami........the most beautiful of natures gifts to Japan.ahhhhh..........the memories wont leave ..I am rich to have been experienced so many beautiful people places and events in Tokyo........Tokyo has taught me that even though I live in a city where the Yen rules I dont have to run with that. I can have simplicity and happiness without all that ponce!
I will leave Tokyo a stonger ,wiser independant woman. Tokyo and its lessons has given me much,but then again I guess I must remind myself that i have been the master of my ship and will continue to be so.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Just bursting!!!
I am bursting with joy and wonder! I have had 2 wonderful days ............ Yesterday I went diving which was a small personal triumph,my confidence had been battered and it took me a little time to get back to it but I did yesterday! It was awesome.Walls of beautiful dripping coral. Fish in abundance.Eye to eye with bat fish that follow you curiously. Clown fish challenging you somewhat proudly through the soft swaying aneonomes.The sound of your own breathe keeping you balanced in mind and in body............
Today quie possibly the most beutiful experience I have had for a long time .A snorkelling trip with black tipped reef sharks ,Turtles and lastly and by far the most incredible thing I have seen so far nests of baby turtles on the beach...........there are pics and more details to come but I couldnt wait to share in my joy that has been bursting out of me for the last few hours!
Miss indigo is happy! Nature renews so much in our souls.
Today quie possibly the most beutiful experience I have had for a long time .A snorkelling trip with black tipped reef sharks ,Turtles and lastly and by far the most incredible thing I have seen so far nests of baby turtles on the beach...........there are pics and more details to come but I couldnt wait to share in my joy that has been bursting out of me for the last few hours!
Miss indigo is happy! Nature renews so much in our souls.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
THE ISLANDS
We finally made it.It took a long time to get here. Lost baggage ,wrong trains and long taxi journeys spanning the width of malaysia BUt god damn it we made it.Its beautiful.
Yesterday I did my PADI refresher and did a shore dive .Today I am going on another dive. Its a different world down there.Its silent apart from your breath pacing throught the regulator and its you and all that space communing with the fish and finding joy in watching thier world and moving away from your own!
Thats all for now.
Yesterday I did my PADI refresher and did a shore dive .Today I am going on another dive. Its a different world down there.Its silent apart from your breath pacing throught the regulator and its you and all that space communing with the fish and finding joy in watching thier world and moving away from your own!
Thats all for now.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Pool Party and more..............
It was a beautiful hot day ...............a little too hot for my fragile head after a night partying!
Luckily a pool party was planned.Cheese ,biscuits a little hair of the dog and lots of floating on plastic rings and penile looking float toys to send giggles echoing . It was a nice day.
The more................. It seems I was privvy to a painful sight .More than I needed to see.More than I wanted to know.It was obvious that it would happen but I didnt need the details.I dont think I will ever look over a balcony again ithout feeling some kind of hesitation.
No matter how bad a relationship gets or how much you wanna get out,you never want to see your man with another woman.It hurts ,its way too painful.
I wish I could leave Tokyo sooner.
Luckily a pool party was planned.Cheese ,biscuits a little hair of the dog and lots of floating on plastic rings and penile looking float toys to send giggles echoing . It was a nice day.
The more................. It seems I was privvy to a painful sight .More than I needed to see.More than I wanted to know.It was obvious that it would happen but I didnt need the details.I dont think I will ever look over a balcony again ithout feeling some kind of hesitation.
No matter how bad a relationship gets or how much you wanna get out,you never want to see your man with another woman.It hurts ,its way too painful.
I wish I could leave Tokyo sooner.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Courage
I am in blog block mode.
I am trying to wade past all the emotion to get to the outside.I have done some great things in the last 3 weeks but cant move outside of myself enought o write about them.
It may take some time.
I need courage.Lots of it.I am taking courage out the door with me everyday,wearing the face and getting on.
Some days its good and some days its not.There is no doubt that this is all exactly as it should be.There are no thoughts of return.Its just grieving time.
If someone had died it would be easier, more tangible.
Should I write these thoughts ?? I guess it may be a little more than some people want to read over their cup of tea or end of day wind down,but its a process and I want to record it.
The nature of us all is to desire warmth and love and respect.Its all I want and at the moment I am finding it in many places and not in the bottom of a vodka shot. I guess that takes courage.To stand up and work through each emotion and look at it and put it down again and then maybe pick it up again and take another look.Some of the things I have found so far are not so good to look at.I dont want to pick them up and look at them again.Its precisely those that need to be picked up and scrutinised, pulled apart and put back together again.
Courage is the one thing I am holding on to. Its the courage to break out of the old me and move onnto something new.The courage to take life to its next level.The courage to face the pain of knowing that I loved long ,hard and good and will again.The courage to take responsibility for myself and my choices. The courage to move away from the safety I knew ,no matter how superficial.
Finally the courage to let the world that I dont feel okay now,but I will soon and that I am open to everyone and everything and any insights advice and love they have to give. The courage to reach out.
I am trying to wade past all the emotion to get to the outside.I have done some great things in the last 3 weeks but cant move outside of myself enought o write about them.
It may take some time.
I need courage.Lots of it.I am taking courage out the door with me everyday,wearing the face and getting on.
Some days its good and some days its not.There is no doubt that this is all exactly as it should be.There are no thoughts of return.Its just grieving time.
If someone had died it would be easier, more tangible.
Should I write these thoughts ?? I guess it may be a little more than some people want to read over their cup of tea or end of day wind down,but its a process and I want to record it.
The nature of us all is to desire warmth and love and respect.Its all I want and at the moment I am finding it in many places and not in the bottom of a vodka shot. I guess that takes courage.To stand up and work through each emotion and look at it and put it down again and then maybe pick it up again and take another look.Some of the things I have found so far are not so good to look at.I dont want to pick them up and look at them again.Its precisely those that need to be picked up and scrutinised, pulled apart and put back together again.
Courage is the one thing I am holding on to. Its the courage to break out of the old me and move onnto something new.The courage to take life to its next level.The courage to face the pain of knowing that I loved long ,hard and good and will again.The courage to take responsibility for myself and my choices. The courage to move away from the safety I knew ,no matter how superficial.
Finally the courage to let the world that I dont feel okay now,but I will soon and that I am open to everyone and everything and any insights advice and love they have to give. The courage to reach out.
Monday, July 25, 2005
The weekend!
I know my blog has been sparse on GOOD things to say recently so here is a post with tad of happiness!
This weekend saw me hiking out to mitake and spending the night on top of the mountain drinking Chu-Hi and laughing outside the temple like naughty young children until late and then hiking back down again and spending some good long time in the famous Tsuru Tsuru onsen.Bliss.Pure bliss.There is nothing like a group of good people and some mountain air laced with heavenly scents to raise your spirits!
It was a great weekend. Pictures to come but have a wee computer problemo at the moment and am unable to access!
This weekend saw me hiking out to mitake and spending the night on top of the mountain drinking Chu-Hi and laughing outside the temple like naughty young children until late and then hiking back down again and spending some good long time in the famous Tsuru Tsuru onsen.Bliss.Pure bliss.There is nothing like a group of good people and some mountain air laced with heavenly scents to raise your spirits!
It was a great weekend. Pictures to come but have a wee computer problemo at the moment and am unable to access!
Monday, July 18, 2005
Thoughts that I need to make solid
the quality you need to cultivate right now beautiful woman is self
respect.it will hold u strong.this alone will help u to make the right
choices and maintain your vision.if others betray you or disrespect you,it
is not a reflection of you but you do not need to stand beside it.move
gracefully and quietly away and meditate not on them but on your own
honour and lite.
respect.it will hold u strong.this alone will help u to make the right
choices and maintain your vision.if others betray you or disrespect you,it
is not a reflection of you but you do not need to stand beside it.move
gracefully and quietly away and meditate not on them but on your own
honour and lite.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Details
Okay I didnt post for a while.I havent really felt like being in front of the computer hashing over all the emotions that are whirling around in my head right now,but a few detils anyways.
The boy and I are breaking up.Its been 4 years.It has been a ride .Its been fun and challenging and sometimes downright heartbreak.
Now we have to part and go our separate ways.Its sad.We share a home and friends and a lifestyle.Things right now are tense. I am tense. I have alot of stuff to sort out.Lots of extra work to do to save for a student life and a lot of goodbyes to say.As well as the one big goodbye to the man. I am grateful to my friends and family for supporting me through this time.I feel a little lost and sometimes a little lonely.
I love my home and hate to see its walls encasing so much pain.Its my refuge right now and along with the cat is keeping me somewhat sane.
I have been reading inspirational text to maintain balance and compassion as well as keep me rooted in non-destructive behaviour. I desperately want my last months in Tokyo to be as simple as possible.
So people thats the details.Endings are sad but they are also new beginnings.
The boy and I are breaking up.Its been 4 years.It has been a ride .Its been fun and challenging and sometimes downright heartbreak.
Now we have to part and go our separate ways.Its sad.We share a home and friends and a lifestyle.Things right now are tense. I am tense. I have alot of stuff to sort out.Lots of extra work to do to save for a student life and a lot of goodbyes to say.As well as the one big goodbye to the man. I am grateful to my friends and family for supporting me through this time.I feel a little lost and sometimes a little lonely.
I love my home and hate to see its walls encasing so much pain.Its my refuge right now and along with the cat is keeping me somewhat sane.
I have been reading inspirational text to maintain balance and compassion as well as keep me rooted in non-destructive behaviour. I desperately want my last months in Tokyo to be as simple as possible.
So people thats the details.Endings are sad but they are also new beginnings.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Quick Update
Okay a very quick update with more details to follow.
I will be embarking on a new adventure.
I am leaving Japan.
November
I am going to do a Degree in Acupuncture and chinese medicine.
Lots of emotions too much to write right now and not sure how much of it is appropriate.
I want the last few months in Tokyo to be joyful.
I will be embarking on a new adventure.
I am leaving Japan.
November
I am going to do a Degree in Acupuncture and chinese medicine.
Lots of emotions too much to write right now and not sure how much of it is appropriate.
I want the last few months in Tokyo to be joyful.
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